Foothold Is Five (And-A-Half)
March 23, 2017
Dear Friends and Fans of Foothold ~
My coaching practice turned five years old back on September 23, 2016 which means I’m exactly six months late in getting this letter out to aspiring coaches and others who’ve been following my coaching journey since my 2015 update or my epic first letter in 2014.
To be honest, I thought about just skipping this year altogether.
But then, I recently found myself thinking about how kids who are as old as my coaching practice usually go out of their way to inform people they are “X and a half!” because that half year matters to them, and I’m finding it matters to me as well.
As you’ll read below, this past year has had hard parts and even harder parts — and I’ll admit that back in September I was just trying to survive some of the ambiguous and murky “this is not easy” parts of running my own coaching practice. I wasn’t in a coherent place to write anything forward-looking or backward-looking.
But lately, I’ve been feeling more clarity, more excitement and just the right amount of distance from The Hard Stuff.
So, here’s what’s been going on over these last 18 months…and what I’m excited about for the next 6 months.
Part 1: The Awesome Stuff
If you know me well, you know it’s never my inclination to dwell in the positive, but there were some truly great things that happened this past year. So, I want to eat all the ice cream I dish out to my founder clients who also struggle to savor the positive, take a big breath, and share these highlights with you:
1 — HT Peer Coaching & Manager Development
Michael and I designed and delivered two unique coaching programs at our long-standing client HotelTonight: (1) a manager development program for 35+ people managers at the company that combined group and 1:1 coaching experiences; and (2) “coach-the-coaches” program where we trained 6 HT teammates in group & individual coaching skills and then supported that team of in-house “peer coaches” to coach others across the organization. This second program in particular enabled HT to scale coaching impact across the organization in a way that was both more cost-effective and personal than hiring outside coaches and fostered stronger bonds between SF-based team and teammates in remote offices.
2 — T-Group-ing with Michael
If you’ve read my previous updates, then you’re already familiar with my coaching partner/BFF Michael Terrell who is on an undeniable streak now showing up in my professional highlight reel for the third year in a row. I had the privilege of facilitating four T-groups with Michael this past year (one for an entire quarter at Stanford GSB and the other 3 were residential weekends with groups of startup leaders convened by InnerSpace) Thank you to the 12 MBAs and 36 startup leaders who laughed, cried, and felt their way through the T-group journey with us over the past year. Bringing the t-group experience to the startup community has been a mission of mine since late 2013, and it’s gratifying to be able to report that I’m still doing these groups and having an impact. (And here’s one fun stat — since becoming a T-Group facilitator in the Spring of 2012, I’ve facilitated groups with 140 people — 48 MBAs and 92 startup leaders.)
3 — The “Someday Now” Coaching Scholarship
The initiative this past year that I am most proud of is launching a coaching scholarship for leaders of non-profits and mission-driven startups. It’s a 12-week 1:1 coaching program which is identical to my startup exec coaching service except that I make it available at just 1/10th the price.
[Here’s the longer and more personal story of why I started this scholarship that you can read if you’re interested.]
I launched the program over Thanksgiving, and earlier this week I completed coaching my first cohort of 4 nonprofit and mission-driven tech leaders. At the outset, I was extremely confident that I could have a positive impact on my scholarship clients directly, and fairly confident that, by extension, I could have positive impact on the teams they lead and manage. But the big question was how my coaching could lead (even if indirectly or multiple degrees removed) to incremental social or environmental impact?
Earlier this week, one of my clients from the Q1 cohort told me this story of how I coached her → she dramatically changed how she managed one of her teammates → that teammate in turn changed how she interacted with one of the low-income families in the nonprofit’s program → and now somewhere in the world this terrific kid is getting access to an incredible academic opportunity he otherwise would have missed out on completely.
I cried on my couch for a few long minutes after reading that story.
It wasn’t until then that I realized that I had leaned into this scholarship with a truly vulnerable heart. I really wanted this scholarship to “work” in that way, but there was no guarantee it would. As coaches, we don’t often get to witness the second-order, third-order, fourth-order impacts of our work with clients — let alone see them generate impacts that are unequivocally good for humans.
That was a really special moment for me.
I’m excited to continue the scholarship into this next year (I have 3 new leaders confirmed to start in my Q2 cohort on April 11!) And while I fully expect the program’s size, scope, frequency and format will evolve over time, I feel committed and energized for the future ahead.
4 — Ben (and The Bench)
Ben Knelman was my very first client — indeed, I honor the date of my first session with him as Foothold’s birthday.
Ben believed in me as a coach even before I believed in myself. I wish for every aspiring or newbie coach to have a first client like Ben who will support and promote you in a way that is unrelenting. And, somewhat amazingly in this crazy dynamic startup life, Ben and I still work together today. (I recently wrote “Session #100” at the top of the page in my Ben coaching notebook.) His company Juntos continues to expand globally and I’m really excited to see what the next 18 months have in store for his team.
A few months ago we went out for dinner — a feast of Avocado Egg Rolls at The Cheesecake Factory. (Because we are the only people we know who love those things.) We wandered through downtown Palo Alto to the sidewalk bench where we met for our very first session 5.5 years ago today. We’re all 5.5 years older and wiser now. And we (including the bench) are all still here.
And, as you’re about to read, for me to be able to say “I’m still here.” is actually a big deal.
Part 2: The Hard Stuff (and The Really Hard Stuff)
I’ve been dragging my feet on writing the update this year (see note above about being 6 months late)…these updates in particular may be why:
1 — Getting Pregnant. Getting Depressed. (Again)
A few years ago, I wrote in a serious-but-still-somewhat-light way about how being a startup CEO is kinda like being pregnant. In that piece, I alluded to suffering through a “rough” first trimester, losing my motivation — in hindsight, I think I was white-knuckle-ing my way through mild antenatal depression that never got diagnosed. (That’s pretty common, most people have never even heard of antenatal depression and most OB-GYNs don’t screen for it despite the fact that it’s likely as common as postpartum depression — affecting somewhere between 7–20% of pregnant women.)
When I got pregnant with my second daughter, I naively thought I would be “ready” this time. And I even told people: “Even if it’s as bad as the last time, there’s no way it will feel as bad, because now I know what to expect. I’ll be ready.”
Well, folks, I was most decidedly not ready for any of it. It was far worse.
There was a somewhat traumatic start to it all when in November, a few days after I got that + sign on the at-home pregnancy test, I felt so sick and nauseated that I blacked out in front of my clients while leading a group coaching session. I woke up on the floor. Paramedics came and carted me off to the hospital in a panic I was having an ectopic pregnancy. (I wasn’t.)
Scary, but ultimately everything was fine.
(That might be a great summary for the whole experience, really.)
I’ll spare you most of the details of the rest of the pregnancy and my depression. (In truth, I’m sparing myself. This is still painful to write about.) I count myself deeply fortunate because while this time around, the depression was more “moderate” than “mild,” that extra intensity also prompted me to get diagnosed and get help. After things got pretty dark for me in December, I started seeing a therapist who specializes in perinatal mental health and from January to April I was able to make meaningful strides in putting myself back together.
And, ultimately, everything was fine.
No. It was much better than fine. (See pic of my sweet baby Tiana at the end of this post. She’s amazing.)
But turns out that it is profoundly challenging to run your own coaching practice when you’re depressed. Similar to what happened last time I got pregnant, I pretty much shut down all lead gen, all future planning and contract negotiation. It required tremendous effort to just coach the clients I had. And my abilities to self-soothe myself through these challenging times were severely limited by the depression itself.
While the most intense symptoms and struggles resolved even before I gave birth in July, the residue or shadow of that depression remained for many months afterwards.
2 — Leaving HT
Another hard time for me came shortly after my baby Tiana was born. I had coached at HotelTonight (HT) since the Summer of 2014 and in late July 2016 I decided to end my work with them. The reasons were right, but the timing was abrupt. I was a month in to my maternity leave and just starting to realize how much of my coaching practice I would need to rebuild going forward — so it felt incredibly daunting to leave my biggest client and a huge source of my recent revenue at such a vulnerable time. Intellectually, I knew that opening up that space would eventually work to my advantage. Time! Space! To focus on that opportunity I couldn’t even imagine yet.
But, emotionally, I was also experiencing grief, doubt and some flashes of regret. I learned a tremendous amount from my time with HT. I will cherish the client friendships I created with several individuals there. I will always be proud of the work I did with the COO to scale coaching across the company. My two years there were a very special and pivotal time for me.
And damn was it hard to leave.
3 — Rebuilding (For Reals? Again?)
The combination of dealing with depression/pregnancy AND wrapping up my long-term engagement with HT left me in a familiar but deflating place with my coaching practice last Fall.
I. Was. Starting. Over. Again.
It’s been 5.5 years since I launched Foothold and I’ve built my practice from “zero” to “thriving” three times over that period. Three times. You would think that the third time would have felt easy by comparison, but I think it may have been the hardest. Despite my experience, my hard-earned wisdom — I wasn’t able to summon the skills or the faith to rebuild swiftly. I moved slowly. Tentatively.
I thought semi-seriously about quitting coaching altogether.
Here was the metaphor I kept returning to last Fall and Winter: The depression was this flood that had entered my house. And the flood waters are now gone. Even long gone. But the damage, the mold, all the crap I have to throw out and replace while still somehow trying to live there — I felt crippled and overwhelmed by it all. I couldn’t accept that I’d need to rebuild again. And, to make matters worse, then anytime it even started to “rain” (i.e., I felt sad or down) I’d panic that my house was going to “flood” all over again.
The two things that got me through: 1) deciding that the only thing I would demand of myself was to keep breathing and not quit; 2) rolling up my sleeves and getting to work on my coaching house…even if I was doing non-lucrative things or creative things or passive things…just forcing myself to re-engage in some work, any work. I would work my way into something better.
And it took months. But I did. And this past month, (some 16+ months after taking that pregnancy test and passing out in front of my client) I finally feel like I’m back to Me again. The Foothold House is open for business and fully operational once again.
4 — Hello Harsh Inner Critic
I wrote last year about how I was working on my self-compassion. Well, I got a bit distracted with all of the above and haven’t made much progress on that front. Over the last few months, I’ve been noticing a constellation forming — a connection of various dots in my persona and how it manifests that all seem to point me back to the same place. I struggle sometimes to adopt an abundance vs. scarcity mindset. People in my t-groups often deeply appreciate me for my emotional honesty, but they don’t report feeling connected to me. I instinctively take a scientific approach to my interpersonal relationships (relying more on observable data than faith) and that instinct limits me. I carry hurts for too long. And although I am capable of so much compassion for my clients, I am harsh and tough with myself in ways that are so deeply ingrained, that I don’t even hear those internal narratives or external comments anymore.
This worries me. I don’t want to be like that with my t-groups. I don’t want to be like that with my collaborators.
And — most vulnerably, most tenderly — I don’t want to be like that with my two girls.
So, recently, I’ve been starting to listen more. And it’s kind of painful to hear how I talk to myself. But I think listening is the first step to finding a way to quiet those voices over time. I have a hyperactive harsh inner critic.
There’s a long road ahead, but one I actually feel hopeful about (when I’m not dreading all the hard work ahead of me).
Part 3: The Best Is Yet To Come
As I look ahead to the next six months…here are some of the exciting unknowns ahead:
1 — Michael
We’re cooking up something special. There will be more to share 6 months from now. Stay tuned.
2 — More Manager Coaching Program Adventures
Emboldened by our success at HT, Michael and I are also designing more coaching programs aimed at managers: one program will be designed for first-time managers in startup environments — you know for all those ICs-turned-managers-overnight who are expected to manage people well but get zero training or time invested in order for them to make that role and mindset shift to manager. There is a huge need here, and I’m excited with what we will be launching later this year. We’re also moving forward with more of these “coach-the-coaches” programs because we see it as a unique way to scale coaching in a cost-effective manner. More senior/experienced managers in startups are often hungry for coaching skills, and we’re excited to bring them programs and experiences that adapt executive coaching practices for managers in a startup setting.
3– Continued Evolution of Individual Coaching
Over the last year, I’ve been evolving by 1:1 coaching approach to include more coaching sessions on “preset topics.” Because what I learned over my first 4+ years of coaching is that it’s hard for founders and startup leaders to get coaching on “what they don’t know they don’t know.” Pure client-led agenda coaching is a fabulous technology and one that I will always practice in some ways, but I’ve been experimenting more and more with a little more curriculum and my clients are loving this semi-structured approach. Now, in a 3-month program with me, clients are guaranteed some exposure to the topics I know are important for them to tackle at some level and also have free-agenda sessions where they can get coaching on any topic/issue/question related to their personal development goals. I love this fusion approach.
My curriculum includes topics like: expectation-setting, feedback, emotion regulation, trust, boundaries, influence, decision-making, firing, meeting norms — all core topics in interpersonal dynamics and I’ve created a set of readings and exercises that enrich the coaching conversations on these topics. I’m also working more intensively (weekly) with clients and less in-person (Zoom!) and that’s enabled me to serve more clients and refine the curriculum through more reps.
I’m excited to continue these experiments in the months to come.
4 — In My Home
I had dinner recently with Michael and my coach and mentor Ed Batista. At the close of the dinner, Ed asked everyone to share their answer to the question: “Where are you in your life?”
It’s possible I may have misinterpreted the question because Ed and Michael both shared where they were in their lives using sports game metaphors “end of second period in a hockey match” or “end of the first half of the football game.” The answer that sprang instantly into my mind and that I shared with them was:
“I’m in my home.”
I meant that literally — I spend so much more time now working from my “coaching cottage” in my backyard vs. trekking up to San Francisco multiple times a week.
And I meant that in reference to my family — I am loving my new family of four. I am loving not being pregnant and depressed and therefore having the emotional energy to be really present and engaged with my husband and older daughter in a way I simply couldn’t be for almost a year.
But I also meant it in a spiritual way — At that dinner, I wasn’t consciously recalling my house metaphor for the post-depression recovery period, but I am struck now by the obvious link. I was fighting a flood. And then grieving a flood. And then restoring from a flood. And now I’m in my home again, and it’s dry and safe and comfortable once again.
So, where am I in life? I’m in my coaching home. I’m building it and re-building it. It’s a home I’m proud of. It’s old and new all at the same time. And if you’re ever passing through San Carlos — come on by for a visit!
PS:
And PS to the PS:
